Why can't I cry?

It's weird. I can tear up at a sad movie, sad story, or a sad song. No problem. But everytime I think about how much I miss Riley, and I start to tear up, I make myself stop. Even the day it happened. I start tearing up - some slip down my cheeks, I feel that sobbing feeling coming - stuttered breathing, etc... And yet - I tell myself - stop - stop crying. I make myself "breath through it" and make myself stop. Same thing with our BFN for IVF#1. And I don't know why - it confuses me. It happens both when I'm in front of someone and when I'm by myself, so it's not that I just don't want people to see my crying like I was originally thinking.

Even now, I want to - but I won't let myself. And I know I need to because it's just going to build up - and heaven forbid this IVF is a BFN - watch out - not sure I could handle the combination of the two.

Thank goodness we kept ourselves busy this weekend - BBQ, day trip, etc... maybe I'll write a post about that stuff later. But anyone have any thoughts on why I have no problems crying at a stupid movie or song, but something serious - where I really just want to let go and cry, I won't let myself? Maybe it's not wanting to accept the reality of it? Or a way to make myself get over it sooner than I need to, I don't know...