Step Away from the Sticks

I tested again this morning. And the line was lighter than it was yesterday. Now - I know that technically the darkness of the line doesn't matter. But come on - it's enough to freak anyone out. Combine that with me overanalyzing the crampy feeling I have and the sharp pains I was getting tonight and it just freaks me out. It's all I can think about. That this isn't going to work - that 35 was the highest my beta was going to get. That we cycled for almost 3 months for this round and after 2 failed previous cycles, this one isn't going to work, either. Even though this is the furthest we've ever gotten, I want it to be further.

I have moments where I get pretty excited about it. But then I remember - it is still soooo early. Most of the day I sit here thinking about all of this - literally scared that this is going to be taken away from us. I don't know if this is fair to say, but knowing what we had to go through to just get this far I think makes it worse/scarier. It's not like we can just go have sex next month and try again. Doesn't happen that way.

It's thousands of dollars in meds, months of being poked with needles and the lovely wand. Just to possibly, maybe, have a chance that it'll happen again. Hopefully.

And yes - I know that I need to keep positive. That the number more than doubled in 48 hours. And there have been many cases of low betas becoming beautiful babies. But come on - the number was still only 35. Most girls start over 100 - many higher. I seriously have to keep myself in check and know that this may not work.

Because if I only tell myself that this is going to work - it will be 10 times more crushing come Monday if she tells me I'm no longer doubling. And having that lighter line on the HPT is not helping any.

So - thankfully I'm all out of HPT's. I will not let myself buy any more until Sunday. I will not let myself go into the 3rd beta on Monday without testing. I need to know - especially so I'll be prepared since I'll be at work again when I get the news.

OK - I know this was all extremely negative. But this is my blog and I need to get my feelings out. I honestly do have my moments of positivity, too. But the questions/doubts are what rule and needed to be written out.

Thank you so much for reading. I will do better with my next posts to be a little happier/more positive! ;-)