Heard this song today...

I heard this song today and I can't stop listening to it. I don't have children yet (maybe in my belly?!), but you can bet I'll be listening to this and thinking about them when I do. I don't know how to describe it other than haunting and beautiful all at the same time. I can't stop listening to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDJ23zsHlwk

Lyrics in case you want them:

In My Arms
Plumb

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curlicues
Your contagious smile

And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do
Is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be
Safe
In my arms

Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be
Safe
In my arms

Story books
Are full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens
And the bluest skies
My heart is torn
Just in knowing
You'll someday see
The truth for lies

When the clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be
Safe
In my arms

Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be
Safe
In my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you

Hey I
Hey I
Will love

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be
Safe
In my arms

Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be
Safe
In my arms
In my arms

* * *


Hope you enjoy it too!

9dp 3dt

OK - Can it not be Friday already?! OMG, this is the longest 2WW I've ever had. And the following will probably sound familiar to at least one of you, but I'm going to say it anyway. I feel like my time to be positive, to be naive and assume this is going to work, etc... is quickly slipping away. In two days I will found out if this worked or not.

I keep reading - which I know is my downfall - of what others have experienced when they got pregnant. The symptoms they felt. And I of course focus on the ones that they felt and I don't. And yes, I know that everyone is different. But I JUST WANT TO KNOW!

Yet, I am deathly afraid to pee on that stick. I can't face the reality of knowing - especially if it's a BFN. Not sure how I'd take it. I know it'll take some time to be crushed, upset, etc... And I'd like to think I'd bounce back pretty quickly and say ok - time to start IVF#2 - and that one WILL work. But I know it's not that simple. I know it. But it's just so hard to tell myself - to make myself realize all of this. That this might work. That this might NOT work. Or that the next cycle will/won't work. It still gets me sometimes that we can't just have sex and get pregnant the old fashioned way like "normal" people.

But in our world, IUI, IVF, injections - THAT is what is now normal. At times it's exciting, at times it's down right unbelievable. At least while I'm cycling and doing the injections I feel like I'm doing something - that I am positively doing something to make our baby. But this whole waiting around thing is enough to make someone insane at times. And no, I don't think about it all the time. But the closer we get, the harder it is NOT to think about it. I keep thinking to myself - if this end up not working, was it because of something I did? During the 2ww? That my body isn't going to ever do this? Right now it's just MFI why we need to do IVF. But who knows - maybe my own body has tricks of it's own that haven't been discovered yet. I don't know.

But, I guess, I'll just keep telling myself - I am pregnant until proven otherwise, right? RIGHT?

8dp3dt

Well, one day closer to the beta. We are so tempted to just pee on a stick to see if we are pregnant, but we are scared to do so. We're afraid if we see the 2nd line, that it will still just be the trigger since we didn't test it out. And we're afraid we'll see just the one line - and would that be a BFN, or just too early for the 2nd line? Aaaahhhh!!! haha

So as of now, we're trying to just hold out until the beta on Friday. 11:00. Seems so far away, doesn't it? Well, it does if you're the one waiting! Still the only "signs" I've been feeling are on-and off-again cramps. And am tired. But who knows what those really mean.

I suppose there's still hope, right?!

7dp3dt

Well - it's officially been a week since our ET and we are figuring our little embabies are about 4,096 cells now? Does that make sense? They were 16 celled on the day of the ET and should be doubling every day, right? Or do I have that wrong? haha So one week of the 2WW has come and gone and we are now just waiting patiently for our beta on Friday.

We were happy to be away last week (see below) because it kept us busy and helped to keep our mind off things - we even chatted with friends of ours who tried for almost two years before finally being pregnant - so it was nice to be able to tell someone in real life.

But, despite how busy we tried to keep ourselves, you can bet any amount of money you want that it still hasn't stopped us/me from reading into every little thing - both positive and negative. For example - every time I feel a cramp or something in the area of my uterus I think - ooh, maybe it's the babies! Although sometimes I'm like crap - pregnancy and period signs are so similar - maybe it's just my period coming - or maybe it's the meds causing it.

Or with my boobs - they still hurt, but not as much - so I think well, maybe this didn't work. But then I remind myself, not everyone has the same symptoms - and plus, there's still time for them to hurt again!

So I don't know - we just have our fingers crossed that everything is pointing in the direction of a BFP this Friday. If it doesn't work, we'll start again with cycle #2, but now we're trying to stay relatively positive. I talk to them a lot, rub my lower abdomen, and every night and morning we make sure to kiss my uterus area three times - one for each little embaby.

If anyone wants to see, I took a picture of the picture they gave us of our little embabies on the day of the ET - aren't they beautiful?!






I think they are beautiful, but I may be a little biased. Wish us luck!

I'm back!

We are officially back from Rochester and our week of crazy driving. It's nice to be back and not have to travel anywhere for a while, do I did enjoy being away and not having to be at work!

We got a late start on Tuesday because we had to wait for DH's car to be fixed and then to hear back from the vet. By the time we heard back from everyone it was about 6:00 pm, so we didn't get into Rochester until a little after 11:00. It always takes us longer when we tow the boat, but it was worth it to be able to take it out - the weather was gorgeous for it!

We pretty much spent the week handging out on the boat, spending time with his family or at picnics. Even went to go see Sex and the City with his sister, which was good - there was no way I was going to drag DH to that one and none of my friends were interested, so I was just assuming I'd have to wait until rental. But nope - and it was good!

Having all of the activities helped take our mind off our love 2WW, but it was still hard - I'll get into that more in my next post. But, in the meantime, here are some pics from the weekend because you know I love to share pictures!

First up, pictures of Riley - he had to go with us because he's still on meds. But the good news - he has successfully eating and not vomited for the last week - how awesome is that!

I liked this picture b/c it made him look like an evil kitty lol

And he of COURSE, made himself comfortable while there!

Here's a pic from out on the water:

While out, we stopped off and had lunch overlooking the water and while there, were "entertained" by a couple of birds having some, uh, fun:

DH's parents got a new chihuahua - a cute little one named Beja - not sure what it stands for since it came with that name (she's 5 years old) - she's still a little skiddish since she came from an abusive home, but she's getting better!

And last, but not least, Rochester has a ton of dear roaming around the neighborhoods and his parents get a lot of them through their backyard - so here's a beautiful gal for your viewing pleasure!

We got back last night, unpacked a few things, and now I guess we're here to stay for a little while. I hope everyone enjoyed their long holiday weekend!

Off on vacation!

Jamaica. The beach. Yummy drinks. That is where we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to be doing right now. Our one-year anniversary trip to Sandals Whitehouse. Wouldn't that be awesome?! And we could both absolutley use it after all the stress we've had in our lives the last few months. Aaaahhhh - maybe we'll just look at pictures of our honeymoon trip lol

But, as I mentioned in an earlier post, we're both ok with having to postpone/cancel our trip. While it would have been awesome to be there, staying back and doing this IVF for the potential to have a baby(ies) is all worth it.

So, instead, we are packing up the boat and the cat (still have to give him meds three times a day) and off to spend time in Rochester with his family and some friends. As long as we're away from home, making the 2WW pass by faster, and not at work, I'm all good!

They don't have internet service, so I most likely won't be back online with another update until Sunday/Monday. See you then!

ET - The Rest of the Story

So yesterday started out exciting and nerve-wracking, and turned into sheer excitement and a different form of nervousness!

It was a very early morning - the appointment was 2 hours away at 8:45, so we had to get up early so we could leave by 6:30. But, we also had to drop of DH's car to get fixed (which didn't end up happening) and get gas. So we got a little bit of a late start. Nothing too bad.

The ride there was different thant he ride for the ER. No matter how much I told myself it would turn out fine, I was still pretty nervous that we'd get there and the embies would no longer be dividing and the third would have never amounted to anything. The trip was a lot quieter - but then again, that may also have been due to it being a much earlier trip!

For the ET you are not allowed to empty your bladder about 30 mins prior to the procedure to provide a better view of the uterus for the doctor. Let's just say, that's not really the easiest. Especially since I had to take a Valium when I got there - more water!

We got there with about 2 minutes to spare. Unlike last time, we no longer sat down than they called our name - it was our turn! They had Tom once again get into his cute little yellow outfit and then me, mine. Once we were dressed they brought us into the room - different this time - no stirrups, no anesthesia, nothing like the last procedure. They pretty much just drew some blood to check my progesterone level and in came the doctor - with the news.

He showed me a picture of our embies - THREE beautiful, perfect, 16 celled embryos! Not only did the original two keep dividing, but the third one caught right up!

Once I found out we had embies to transfer, I was good to go. The doctor even wanted in on the pics we were taking lol

He came in, walked through what was going to happen and then turned out the lights. He is very into "new-agey", holistic and easter medicine. So he spent some time with us all holding hands over my uterus (I told you! haha) talking about just relaxing, imagining positive thoughts and allowing in the good energy for the earth. It was hard not to laugh, but at least I got to relax a little before the procedure started.

Doctor goes out to grab the embies and comes back with a big needle and a nurse. Confirms just one more time who I am to make sure they're ours and then I'm off and scooting down the table! The wonderful scapula is inserted, ultrasound machine is turned on and goop is spread on my belly. The next phase happened so fast you could have blinked and missed it!

He presses the u/s wand on my belly, insert the needle, I feel a whoosh of liquid and done! That's it! I could see the 3 little embabies on the screen - it was really cool! I kind of wished he had left it on longer for us to see and take a picture of, but at least I got to see it!

That was it. Literally. There was no pain AT ALL and it was over in a flash. Such an amazing science that just seems so simple on the outside. They had us lay there in the dark for about 15-20 minutes and then we were ready to go!

There is a Healing Arts building next door so they were telling us about the acupuncture they offer for after IVF Transfers. I wasn't really all that interested despite hearing a lot of girls on the Nest talk about it, but DH urged me to give it a try. His theory was - anything we can do to help make this work, do it!

So I went in, they brought me right into the room and stuck me with the needles - you could barely feel it. By the time he took them out my two pinkies and left lower leg/foot were numb, which was weird, but the feeling eventually went away.

After that, we just drove home and took a nap (so tired!). Took the kitty in for yet another vet appointment where the vet is still stumped. They drew blook and off we went. He's actually held down food for the last couple todays and today is looking good so far as well. Hopefully it stays that way!

Pretty much just spent the rest of the night playing it low-key and met a friend for ice cream to talk about the procedure. She is so excited and supportive about it all - it's so cool, I love it!

OK, guess that's it for the ET. We are so excited that there are three potential embabies growing in my uterus right now. It's so amazing and DH is taking such great care of me - making sure I take it easy and don't lift anything too heavy. He even kissed my belly three times last night to say goodnight to each one!