One Year Ago

One year ago this past Saturday (4/25) we made our first RE appointment. Wow! And look at us now. When we first went it was depressing hearing the news that I knew I'd hear (if that even makes sense?). And then when we started our first IVF, we were pretty optimistic it would work. And then the crash when it didn't.

While I tried to remain pretty positive, there were plenty of times I wasn't sure this would ever work. And now, one year later, I have a little baby growing in my belly. It's unbelievable.

It still amazes me to this day that it worked. And that there is now a 5 inch long little being growing in my belly. And the fact that I can't feel something that big is sometimes even crazier to me!

I am 16 weeks 1 day today and officially in my 5th month. Wow. We have less than a month until our big ultrasound (5/18) and I can't wait. Hopefully by then I'll be "obviously" showing and not just look like I'm gaining weight. Part of me is in no rush, but there's another part of me that is excited for that moment - especially the feeling the movement. That just seems so surreal to me!

DH is absolutely in love and likes to touch my belly even though he knows he can't feel anything yet, but likes to do it. And will talk to the little one. He said he can't wait to buy the first book to read to my belly. lol

He sent me a text today and it said, "Next summer I will be sitting outside with my little baby. My kid! That's pretty awesome and I can't wait!". It's moments like these that just make my heart melt. Both in the fact that - wow, I'm really pregnant, and it hits me again. And also that I know my DH is going to be such a great daddy.

OK, I know this is just a bunch of rambling, but when I noticed the date on Saturday we were out to dinner celebrating my birthday and it just hit me. We were both so upset a year ago, at times thinking that we would never have a baby. And 3 IVF's later, here we are.

So now our fingers are just crossed that the rest of this pregnancy goes smoothly and we get to hold our little one in October. Wow. Just wow!

No Longer Sick!

But DH is. Same thing I had - sore throat, achy, and just basically feel spacy/crappy. Poor guy!

And I just I knew if I broke down and made an appointment to see my PCP about my sore throat, it'd be gone by then. And wouldn't you know it, I wake up this morning and it's all gone. Good thing they let me cancel without penalty!

Decided to take today off - just didn't feel like going to work, so I didn't. So now begins a long weekend for me! Not too much planned for this weekend. We have a birthday party to go to tomorrow afternoon, but depending on how DH feels if we end up going or not. It's supposed to be a crappy weekend weather-wise anyway, so who knows. Might be more fun to just curl up with a book anyway. I do still have the last 2 Twilight books to finish - can't wait!

Other than that, not too much going on. Just waiting for my endometrial biopsy results to come back next week and then for CD1 to arrive to see if we start our next IVF cycle or not. Life is pretty boring right now - not that that's bad!

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Hysteroscopy Today - Ouch!

Been a while since I updated on our Fertility progress, so here goes. At my last WTF, the doctor recommended a Hysteroscopy and Endometrial Biopsy to figure out if there's anything in my uterus that may be causing our IVF's to fail. And pending what they find on the first two, if a Lap is needed.

And today was the day for the Hysteroscopy and Endometrial Biopsy. And let's just say they hurt! Just as much as the HSG did. Ouch! It first started with the novacaine type stuff he injected into my cervix - yikes! The actual process itself cramped/hurt as much as the HSG did, but the worst part was the Biopsy. OMG THAT HURT! And he did it twice! It was cool to see, but let's just say I'm happy that's done.

I'm not sure if I was happy they didn't find anything or if I was hoping they would - to at least give me us a reason for the failures, you know?

So, now that those were clear, they said we can start IVF#3 with my next CD1 if we're up for it and have enough money. So once we get there, I'll figure out what the schedule will be like and how they fall with the holidays. If they interfere, I'll wait because we will because we will be out of town alot around Chirstmas. So I guess we'll see!

Guess that's it for an update for now. Hope everyone's doing well!

Hysteroscopy Time

So - I've had the HSG and SHG. Since the two BFN's, the doctor now wants me to have a Hysteroscopy, Endometrial Biopsy and Lap. So, the Hysteroscopy is scheduled for the 21 - anyone had that before? The HSG kinda sucked, so I hope it's not as bad as that - although the nurse didn't sound so convincing lol

Then the Endometrial Biopsy has to be done on the 21st day of a cycle an the lap may be scheduled based on what they see during the Hysteroscopy. Fun, fun!

Hi!

Not too much to report on today. Nothing really exciting going on. We're going home to my parents' house this weekend for my mom's birthday, so that should be nice. I just hope the weather is nice - as of now, it's supposed to rain :-(

On a TTC front, we are unmedicated, au natural this cycle since we can't afford another IVF round yet. So right now I am on CD15. In the past, I have typically ovulated on CD17, but who knows what will happen this cycle after coming off the meds. I'm not really seeing the signs of O coming soon, but who knows. I'll be tracking and charting - guess we can always wish for that ever elusive break cycle BFP, right? lol

Oh well - hope all is well with you and you're having a great day!

I'm Jealous

It's official and I'll admit it. Most of the time, when I find out someone in real life is pregnant, it really doesn't bother me too much. Yes, I was upset and I cried when I found out my sister was pregnant. But that was for very different reasons. I was the oldest. I got married first. I should have the first grandchild. It was a different kind of jealousy. It wasn't because I wasn't/couldn't get pregnant. I don't know how to explain it - it's just not the same kind of thing - it was more of a jealous, I'm the big sister and married, I should be pregnant first, not you, kind of big sister petty jealousy. Does that make sense? But, like I said, I quickly got over that and I'm so excited to see that little guy any day now!

But, back to why my jealousy has kicked in. One that some of you may, unfortunately, be familiar with. One of my cousins is pregnant. She's already got one baby, no big deal, that one didn't bother me. But recently my mom told me she was talking to my aunt and she said that my cousin and her husband were going to try to have a baby when her husband came back into port (he's in the Navy and is often gone 6 months at a time on a submarine). He came home in June and I found out last week that she's pregnant. Already. After just one try. That's all it took. Just like that.

Don't get me wrong - I'm happy for them. Honestly Especially since he is only home for 6 months before he ships out again for another 6 months under the water. So he won't be there when she gives birth which would suck. But I think it just hit me extra hard this time because I'm about to start my 2nd IVF cycle in hopes of being as lucky as her to be pregnant. I just am not as naive as I was before that this will work and I'll be pregnant. Plus, I admit it, it's the first time really that it made me jealous that someone I know could be pregnant so easily - like it should happen for everyone.

I know, this is nothing new for many of my IF ladies. Usually I can brush off how I feel when I find out someone is pregnant, but this one was just harder. Maybe it's because I actually know it was only one cycle. Super easy. For others, I honestly do not know how many cycles it was. Who knows - either way, I'm jealous and just need to shake it off.

OK, I think I'm done feeling sorry for myself. And rambling. It's not a new feeling to many and I know I am very lucky that I don't have too many pregnant people in my real life. So, now I am just going to focus on this cycle and do my best to get this cycle to work!

Spot On

TMI warning ahead. So yesterday was CD18. I am still on BCP for the cyst from last cycle. When I went to the bathroom last night I didn't have just spotting, I had full on red flow. Weird! I have had minor spotting since then which is good that it hasn't been a full on period, but how weird is that? It's not like I'm ovulating or am getting my period or anything since I'm on the BCP but yet there was definite red. Oh well, at least it's gone, I guess.

And today we took Riley to the vet. Again. But this time it was another vet. I just wanted a second opinion. Plus, I felt weird about bringing him back to the same vet - afraid it would feel like I was questioning their expertise, you know? But like I've posted before, it's not like Riley doesn't WANT to eat, but when you watch him, it's almost like he CAN'T eat.

So one of the girls on the TTC6+ nest board is a vet and we emailed back and forth last night - she was so helpful! I brought the info she gave me to the vet today aned a lot of what she discussed, they talked about. The new vet did a thorough exam of his mouth, jaw, tongue, etc... and said she can't find anything, physically, that seems to be causing him pain or difficulty to eat (same as the other vet, the xrays, etc...). So what she's thinking is that since he took the brunt of the car accident to his face, he may have some nerve damage (perhaps where the gum pulled away from the bone?). And apparently nerve damage can take a LONG time to heal and impede with eating, coordination, pain, etc...

So she gave us enough syringes of pain medication to last through the weekend and we're to call her on Monday to see if they worked or not. If the pain medication is helping with the possible nerve damage enough for him to be able to eat. She also gave us a couple of bigger syringes that we can use to put food into to continue to force feed him with. If that doesn't work we will move on - perhaps another appetite med or to an MRI, CT or other treatment to check for nerve damage. But, she did agree with us doing the force/manual feeding if he doesn't. Because, as the lovely Nestie mentioned, not eating can cause problems of it's own, including fat build up in the liver (or was it kidneys?) - fat build up that is used to sustain himself since he's not taking in food.

So, I guess that's it for now. Pain killer syringes twice a day, force feeding, and lots of love! Oh - and I'm taking tomorrow off from work - yay! I think we are going to go for a hike and then a picnic in the afternoon and then go to the Drive-In and see the Dark Knight and Stepbrothers that night. Can't wait!

Have a great day everyone!

Apparently I'm NOT Over It

I thought I had come to terms with IVF#1 failing and was all done with the crying. But apparently not. A girl at work knows what we are doing (one of the very few who do) and I texted her on Saturday when we found out, so she knew coming in this morning. I thought I was ok with everything now so when she asked me how I was doing, I was surprised that I started tearing up. Same thing happened when I went to tell my boss that I would once again need more time off for appointments. So, apparently I'm not as ok with it as I thought. Oops!

12:31

Yup. That's the time we finally dragged ourselves out of bed today. We just didn't want to get out of bed and face reality. It was much easier to just stay there, chat some, sleep some, pet the cat. But, eventually, we got our butts out of bed and today is much better than yesterday. We are still really sad, angry, and a bit confused, but definitely better than yesterday.

I keep running questions through my head, over and over again. Why didn't it work? There were 3 of them in there - and not even one stuck? Why? Was it something I did during the 2WW? Is there something about my body that we don't know about yet that won't let our little embies stick? Ever? Or maybe something wrong with my eggs? Or maybe something in DH's sperm causes the embies to not be viable? What if it fails again for IVF#2? Or #3? Or ever?

I know there are options out there other than IVF but right now we don't want to venture there. We want this to work. Badly.

And it breaks my heart to see the effect this has on my husband. I had the nurse on speaker phone yesterday when she broke the nerve. And not only did I start crying, but so did he. And I hate how it makes him so sad. I think it's sometimes easy for us to get caught up in how we're feeling we forget that it affects the husbands, too. He even made a comment I have heard so many others make - that he is jealous of others around us who have had babies - and so easily - the good old fashioned way.

He has been so supportive of me and everything we have put my body through to go this far - and about to venture into again. I think I am going to make sure to spend some extra time spoiling DH. Sometimes I think he feels left out of sorts - like he can't contribute as much, if that makes sense? Not in a bad way, just that he can't do more to help me. But I don't see it that way - I think he has been so supportive throughout the whole thing - both physically (ie: administering the shots and catering to me) and mentally. And I love him so much for this. I honestly think this has made our relationship even stronger than it was.

DH - I know you don't read this, but I love you very, very much. You are going to make an amazing father and I can't wait to see you with a baby in your arms and that smile on your face. MUAH!

Not Pregnant

Nope. Not at all.

10d3pt - Beta in 47 minutes!

Aaaah!! I made it without POAS. I am very proud of myself. Now I just need to make it 47 minutes to have them draw that blood and then however much longer for them to actually call me back with the number.

I'm off work today so I'm hoping to get some errands done to get my/our minds off it.

Oh! Now it's only 45 minutes away - wish us luck!

9dp 3dt

OK - Can it not be Friday already?! OMG, this is the longest 2WW I've ever had. And the following will probably sound familiar to at least one of you, but I'm going to say it anyway. I feel like my time to be positive, to be naive and assume this is going to work, etc... is quickly slipping away. In two days I will found out if this worked or not.

I keep reading - which I know is my downfall - of what others have experienced when they got pregnant. The symptoms they felt. And I of course focus on the ones that they felt and I don't. And yes, I know that everyone is different. But I JUST WANT TO KNOW!

Yet, I am deathly afraid to pee on that stick. I can't face the reality of knowing - especially if it's a BFN. Not sure how I'd take it. I know it'll take some time to be crushed, upset, etc... And I'd like to think I'd bounce back pretty quickly and say ok - time to start IVF#2 - and that one WILL work. But I know it's not that simple. I know it. But it's just so hard to tell myself - to make myself realize all of this. That this might work. That this might NOT work. Or that the next cycle will/won't work. It still gets me sometimes that we can't just have sex and get pregnant the old fashioned way like "normal" people.

But in our world, IUI, IVF, injections - THAT is what is now normal. At times it's exciting, at times it's down right unbelievable. At least while I'm cycling and doing the injections I feel like I'm doing something - that I am positively doing something to make our baby. But this whole waiting around thing is enough to make someone insane at times. And no, I don't think about it all the time. But the closer we get, the harder it is NOT to think about it. I keep thinking to myself - if this end up not working, was it because of something I did? During the 2ww? That my body isn't going to ever do this? Right now it's just MFI why we need to do IVF. But who knows - maybe my own body has tricks of it's own that haven't been discovered yet. I don't know.

But, I guess, I'll just keep telling myself - I am pregnant until proven otherwise, right? RIGHT?

8dp3dt

Well, one day closer to the beta. We are so tempted to just pee on a stick to see if we are pregnant, but we are scared to do so. We're afraid if we see the 2nd line, that it will still just be the trigger since we didn't test it out. And we're afraid we'll see just the one line - and would that be a BFN, or just too early for the 2nd line? Aaaahhhh!!! haha

So as of now, we're trying to just hold out until the beta on Friday. 11:00. Seems so far away, doesn't it? Well, it does if you're the one waiting! Still the only "signs" I've been feeling are on-and off-again cramps. And am tired. But who knows what those really mean.

I suppose there's still hope, right?!

7dp3dt

Well - it's officially been a week since our ET and we are figuring our little embabies are about 4,096 cells now? Does that make sense? They were 16 celled on the day of the ET and should be doubling every day, right? Or do I have that wrong? haha So one week of the 2WW has come and gone and we are now just waiting patiently for our beta on Friday.

We were happy to be away last week (see below) because it kept us busy and helped to keep our mind off things - we even chatted with friends of ours who tried for almost two years before finally being pregnant - so it was nice to be able to tell someone in real life.

But, despite how busy we tried to keep ourselves, you can bet any amount of money you want that it still hasn't stopped us/me from reading into every little thing - both positive and negative. For example - every time I feel a cramp or something in the area of my uterus I think - ooh, maybe it's the babies! Although sometimes I'm like crap - pregnancy and period signs are so similar - maybe it's just my period coming - or maybe it's the meds causing it.

Or with my boobs - they still hurt, but not as much - so I think well, maybe this didn't work. But then I remind myself, not everyone has the same symptoms - and plus, there's still time for them to hurt again!

So I don't know - we just have our fingers crossed that everything is pointing in the direction of a BFP this Friday. If it doesn't work, we'll start again with cycle #2, but now we're trying to stay relatively positive. I talk to them a lot, rub my lower abdomen, and every night and morning we make sure to kiss my uterus area three times - one for each little embaby.

If anyone wants to see, I took a picture of the picture they gave us of our little embabies on the day of the ET - aren't they beautiful?!






I think they are beautiful, but I may be a little biased. Wish us luck!

ET - The Rest of the Story

So yesterday started out exciting and nerve-wracking, and turned into sheer excitement and a different form of nervousness!

It was a very early morning - the appointment was 2 hours away at 8:45, so we had to get up early so we could leave by 6:30. But, we also had to drop of DH's car to get fixed (which didn't end up happening) and get gas. So we got a little bit of a late start. Nothing too bad.

The ride there was different thant he ride for the ER. No matter how much I told myself it would turn out fine, I was still pretty nervous that we'd get there and the embies would no longer be dividing and the third would have never amounted to anything. The trip was a lot quieter - but then again, that may also have been due to it being a much earlier trip!

For the ET you are not allowed to empty your bladder about 30 mins prior to the procedure to provide a better view of the uterus for the doctor. Let's just say, that's not really the easiest. Especially since I had to take a Valium when I got there - more water!

We got there with about 2 minutes to spare. Unlike last time, we no longer sat down than they called our name - it was our turn! They had Tom once again get into his cute little yellow outfit and then me, mine. Once we were dressed they brought us into the room - different this time - no stirrups, no anesthesia, nothing like the last procedure. They pretty much just drew some blood to check my progesterone level and in came the doctor - with the news.

He showed me a picture of our embies - THREE beautiful, perfect, 16 celled embryos! Not only did the original two keep dividing, but the third one caught right up!

Once I found out we had embies to transfer, I was good to go. The doctor even wanted in on the pics we were taking lol

He came in, walked through what was going to happen and then turned out the lights. He is very into "new-agey", holistic and easter medicine. So he spent some time with us all holding hands over my uterus (I told you! haha) talking about just relaxing, imagining positive thoughts and allowing in the good energy for the earth. It was hard not to laugh, but at least I got to relax a little before the procedure started.

Doctor goes out to grab the embies and comes back with a big needle and a nurse. Confirms just one more time who I am to make sure they're ours and then I'm off and scooting down the table! The wonderful scapula is inserted, ultrasound machine is turned on and goop is spread on my belly. The next phase happened so fast you could have blinked and missed it!

He presses the u/s wand on my belly, insert the needle, I feel a whoosh of liquid and done! That's it! I could see the 3 little embabies on the screen - it was really cool! I kind of wished he had left it on longer for us to see and take a picture of, but at least I got to see it!

That was it. Literally. There was no pain AT ALL and it was over in a flash. Such an amazing science that just seems so simple on the outside. They had us lay there in the dark for about 15-20 minutes and then we were ready to go!

There is a Healing Arts building next door so they were telling us about the acupuncture they offer for after IVF Transfers. I wasn't really all that interested despite hearing a lot of girls on the Nest talk about it, but DH urged me to give it a try. His theory was - anything we can do to help make this work, do it!

So I went in, they brought me right into the room and stuck me with the needles - you could barely feel it. By the time he took them out my two pinkies and left lower leg/foot were numb, which was weird, but the feeling eventually went away.

After that, we just drove home and took a nap (so tired!). Took the kitty in for yet another vet appointment where the vet is still stumped. They drew blook and off we went. He's actually held down food for the last couple todays and today is looking good so far as well. Hopefully it stays that way!

Pretty much just spent the rest of the night playing it low-key and met a friend for ice cream to talk about the procedure. She is so excited and supportive about it all - it's so cool, I love it!

OK, guess that's it for the ET. We are so excited that there are three potential embabies growing in my uterus right now. It's so amazing and DH is taking such great care of me - making sure I take it easy and don't lift anything too heavy. He even kissed my belly three times last night to say goodnight to each one!

ET a success!

Hey there! The ET today was amazing - I am working on downloading pics from the day and will post more later once I get them all loaded and the day summarized. Let's just say we are over the moon!

ET Tomorrow!

Just wanted to pop in before going to bed. Our Embryo Transfer (ET) is tomorrow morning - can you believe it! We are just so excited! DH is upset with me for being up so late - he thinks I should have been in bed a couple of hours ago - I love how he so into this and wants to take care of me. So sweet, isn't it?!

OK - I'm off to bed - I'll be dreaming of my 2.5 embabies growing in their little dish in Syracuse. Can't wait to see you tomorrow and take you home. Sweet dreams!

Feeling Much Better

So I freaked out a little yesterday. But I just had such a hard time believing that there were only four mature eggs - I still do. If this round doesn't work, there will be a lot of questions asked at the WTF appointment. DH and I both discussed that if, for some reason, this round doesn't work, we'll definitely try a second round.

In all honesty, this really hasn't been as tough as I thought. Sure, it's kind of uncomfortable when I'm "full" of eggs, and sometimes I feel like I could just cry/scream, but really, it's all been pretty manageable. I could definitely do it again. It would be a whole lot easier if my insurance covered it all instead of paying out-of-pocket, but we'd definitely do it again.

But for now, I'm not thinking about next cycle. I'm thinking about this one. That we're still in the game. I called the RE's office this morning and the answering service had someone called me back. We discussed my concerns about only having two and that they might die between yesterday and Monday. And that we have to drive two hours just to get there. That if there was any way to find out how they're doing or to call us before we leave to save the drive if, in case, none of our little embies were still living.

She assured me (sort of!) that they should still be ok for Monday and to still come out. They don't check them again until about 8:00 Monday morning. She said that they gave us an early appointment for that reason and said that there was one girl who had an 11:15 appointment that is also driving and they told her to call first because hers didn't look that good. They didn't tell us that, so to just come on out.

I'm not sure how much I believe that if they were good yesterday, they'll still be good by Monday, but I guess I just have to put my faith in the RE's hands. And if we end up making a two hour trip for no reason, then we'll just have to deal with that when the time comes.

So, like I said, I'm trying to be positive right now. It's a lot easier than yesterday after hearing the news. That was NOT a good time. But, DH and I talked about it, we spent the afternoon out on the boat and went to see some 4th of July fireworks last night in a town where he used to live. And yup, I know it's a week early - they always do them early since we live in the capital of NYS and they always have a huge display on 4th, so they do it early so as to not compete. So much easier to go see these - not nearly as many people!

Although - there were definitely some characters there last night. I think I have seen my share of mullets, liquor/NASCAR/Harley t-shirts, women without bras that should NOT be without a bra, and feathered/hairsprayed hair to last me the rest of the year. It definitely made for some good people watching before the fireworks started! That, and I got my fried dough - yum!

Today we have some errands to do - I've finally updated my ER entry (below), I have to get new tires on my car, clean the house, make some bread, make some cookies, and pack for tomorrow.

I also made a vet appointment for Riley for tomorrow after we get back since he is STILL vomiting and has now scratched himself raw above his scapula. We were going to leave for Rochester right after the RE appointment since it's only 1-1.5 hours further, but we couldn't bring the cat with us and leave him in the car. And we wanted to get him into the vet once again. So we'll probably head out Tuesday morning to Rochester instead.

I hope whomever is reading this has a great day - and thanks for reading!

I Can't Button My Pants!

Yikes! I always knew bloat came with the territory for trigger/ER/ET, but I guess I just never let it sink it that it would happen this early. So I'm sitting here at work with my pants unbutton, sore boobs, tired, and patiently counting the hours until I can leave! I have tomorrow and all of next week off, so I can't wait to just not have to be at work, let alone the anticipation of the ER and ET!

And oh yeah - I can definitely still feel those ovaries in there - keep on chugging!

Triggered!

I made it to 11:45 and the trigger has been injected! Woohoo! Sub-Q shot like the rest, so was very easy (plus, it was pre-filled!). There's on turning back now I guess, eh? ;-)

OK, I'm off to bed, I'm exhausted. Night!