Confession

I am sad the other baby didn't stick. Now please don't get me wrong. One is the ideal situation and what I was expecting. But there is little piece of me that wishes my other embie hadn't died, you know? I am so greatful that we were lucky enough to have one stick - please don't think I'm not. I was just surprised how how sad I was that the other little one didn't make it. It caught me off guard.

Again - please don't think I'm being selfish or ungreatful - just a feeling that surprised me and I wanted to get that out.

Now - off to celebrate that I am pregnant and got to see that little sac in there, yesterday - yaaaaay!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Step Away from the Sticks

I tested again this morning. And the line was lighter than it was yesterday. Now - I know that technically the darkness of the line doesn't matter. But come on - it's enough to freak anyone out. Combine that with me overanalyzing the crampy feeling I have and the sharp pains I was getting tonight and it just freaks me out. It's all I can think about. That this isn't going to work - that 35 was the highest my beta was going to get. That we cycled for almost 3 months for this round and after 2 failed previous cycles, this one isn't going to work, either. Even though this is the furthest we've ever gotten, I want it to be further.

I have moments where I get pretty excited about it. But then I remember - it is still soooo early. Most of the day I sit here thinking about all of this - literally scared that this is going to be taken away from us. I don't know if this is fair to say, but knowing what we had to go through to just get this far I think makes it worse/scarier. It's not like we can just go have sex next month and try again. Doesn't happen that way.

It's thousands of dollars in meds, months of being poked with needles and the lovely wand. Just to possibly, maybe, have a chance that it'll happen again. Hopefully.

And yes - I know that I need to keep positive. That the number more than doubled in 48 hours. And there have been many cases of low betas becoming beautiful babies. But come on - the number was still only 35. Most girls start over 100 - many higher. I seriously have to keep myself in check and know that this may not work.

Because if I only tell myself that this is going to work - it will be 10 times more crushing come Monday if she tells me I'm no longer doubling. And having that lighter line on the HPT is not helping any.

So - thankfully I'm all out of HPT's. I will not let myself buy any more until Sunday. I will not let myself go into the 3rd beta on Monday without testing. I need to know - especially so I'll be prepared since I'll be at work again when I get the news.

OK - I know this was all extremely negative. But this is my blog and I need to get my feelings out. I honestly do have my moments of positivity, too. But the questions/doubts are what rule and needed to be written out.

Thank you so much for reading. I will do better with my next posts to be a little happier/more positive! ;-)

That Hurt

They didn't even have the item in the damn store!

I have been to BRU before during this whole TTTC journey and it didn't really bother me. Not even when we spent hours there when my sister was registering.

But wow - it hit me HARD today. I don't know if it's because of who I was buying for or because I think this cycle is going to be a big hard BFFN.

I was ok when I first walked in. But toward the end of the trip, I was about ready to lose it. And to make it worse, the item I went there for they didn't have and I had to wait in line behind a complete idiot (I bought one small item), just prolonging my stay there.

I managed to hold it mostly together while I was in there, but I lost it on the way home. It was not pretty. I think DH noticed when I got home that I had been crying, but didn't say anything. Hopefully I wasn't too pissy to him. I'll have to apologize later just in case.

So now, I ordered the stupid bouncer seat and it'll arrive in a week or so. Yay me. Then I get to wrap it and and get it out of my damn house.

OK - sorry about the language and the complaining. I'm off to zone out and watching something that is as far from baby as I can get.

Why can't I cry?

It's weird. I can tear up at a sad movie, sad story, or a sad song. No problem. But everytime I think about how much I miss Riley, and I start to tear up, I make myself stop. Even the day it happened. I start tearing up - some slip down my cheeks, I feel that sobbing feeling coming - stuttered breathing, etc... And yet - I tell myself - stop - stop crying. I make myself "breath through it" and make myself stop. Same thing with our BFN for IVF#1. And I don't know why - it confuses me. It happens both when I'm in front of someone and when I'm by myself, so it's not that I just don't want people to see my crying like I was originally thinking.

Even now, I want to - but I won't let myself. And I know I need to because it's just going to build up - and heaven forbid this IVF is a BFN - watch out - not sure I could handle the combination of the two.

Thank goodness we kept ourselves busy this weekend - BBQ, day trip, etc... maybe I'll write a post about that stuff later. But anyone have any thoughts on why I have no problems crying at a stupid movie or song, but something serious - where I really just want to let go and cry, I won't let myself? Maybe it's not wanting to accept the reality of it? Or a way to make myself get over it sooner than I need to, I don't know...

I'm Jealous

It's official and I'll admit it. Most of the time, when I find out someone in real life is pregnant, it really doesn't bother me too much. Yes, I was upset and I cried when I found out my sister was pregnant. But that was for very different reasons. I was the oldest. I got married first. I should have the first grandchild. It was a different kind of jealousy. It wasn't because I wasn't/couldn't get pregnant. I don't know how to explain it - it's just not the same kind of thing - it was more of a jealous, I'm the big sister and married, I should be pregnant first, not you, kind of big sister petty jealousy. Does that make sense? But, like I said, I quickly got over that and I'm so excited to see that little guy any day now!

But, back to why my jealousy has kicked in. One that some of you may, unfortunately, be familiar with. One of my cousins is pregnant. She's already got one baby, no big deal, that one didn't bother me. But recently my mom told me she was talking to my aunt and she said that my cousin and her husband were going to try to have a baby when her husband came back into port (he's in the Navy and is often gone 6 months at a time on a submarine). He came home in June and I found out last week that she's pregnant. Already. After just one try. That's all it took. Just like that.

Don't get me wrong - I'm happy for them. Honestly Especially since he is only home for 6 months before he ships out again for another 6 months under the water. So he won't be there when she gives birth which would suck. But I think it just hit me extra hard this time because I'm about to start my 2nd IVF cycle in hopes of being as lucky as her to be pregnant. I just am not as naive as I was before that this will work and I'll be pregnant. Plus, I admit it, it's the first time really that it made me jealous that someone I know could be pregnant so easily - like it should happen for everyone.

I know, this is nothing new for many of my IF ladies. Usually I can brush off how I feel when I find out someone is pregnant, but this one was just harder. Maybe it's because I actually know it was only one cycle. Super easy. For others, I honestly do not know how many cycles it was. Who knows - either way, I'm jealous and just need to shake it off.

OK, I think I'm done feeling sorry for myself. And rambling. It's not a new feeling to many and I know I am very lucky that I don't have too many pregnant people in my real life. So, now I am just going to focus on this cycle and do my best to get this cycle to work!

Discovery Health: The Baby Lab

I just discovered this show today. It's both interesting and, for some reason, incredibly sad. I set my DVR to record it since it's apparently a regular series. I love watching how everything goes - reminds me of what we did. But it also surprised me because it made me cry a few times throughout the show. Both sad for me - it reminds me of our failed cycle and how optimistic/nervous we felt before we heard the news and how devestated we were when we got the BFN. And also sad for them - because I know how they're feeling when they get the bad news. OMG I feel sooo bad for them - the way they look/sound is exactly how I felt. Ugh - I'm sitting here crying for them, I can't even believe it.

And, this is the weird part, I'm jealous of the women on the TV that have good embies and end up pregnant. One thing I noticed is both of the women who did get pregnant were the ones who already had natural children before. The two that didn't, don't have any children - makes you wonder. I don't have any previous children, so maybe this won't happen for me, either. I know I shouldn't, because a lot of times it's just luck on how things go. And they're in the same situation as we are needing the IVF/ICSI. I'm so stupid.

So I guess we'll see if I continue to watch this series or if I end up canceling the recordings, who knows. It just reminds me of how sad we were with the BFN from #1 and how scared we are that #2 won't work either. I don't know...

IVF#2 - CD3 Appt - I have a cyst

So - had my CD3 appointment today for IVF#2. Normally, I love walking into my RE's office. It's really comfortable, pretty, and full of optimism. But today, it was still comforting, it was still pretty. But I didn't feel as excited about being there. We all know why, obviously, but I didn't like feeling that way. I am definitely looking forward to trying again, but I'm also scared as hell that it, again, won't work.

So they checked me in, we discussed applying for the grant again for this round. I got approved - my cost share is $5k. Much better than the full $10k, but still frustrating to have to make sure we have that money. We do, but I don't like seeing all of our money disappear. Oh well - we don't technically have to pay it until I start Lupron anyway - and even then, it'll be put on my credit card so we still have a little more time to save more money before the bill is due. We will then pay it in full.

So the appointment was pretty standard - blood draw (again), lining check, and a check for cysts. Seriously, I think we give more blood than the normal person - we should definitely get some OJ and cookies, right?! Just like those who donate blood ;-)

I suspected they'd find a cyst on the left ovary based on some pain I was feeling a few days ago, and they did. They originally said I'd start Lupron on 8/02, but since I now have to go on BCP to get rid of the cyst, I have to go back for another check on 8/05 before they'll give me a new Lupron date. They said it looked like it was going away on it's own, so hopefully it'll be gone and I can start on 8/05 - only 3 days later. The good news was I didn't have to pay for a new pack of BCP - I still had some left over from before TTC - woohoo! I still find it funny that going ON birth control would actually be a part of GETTING pregnant ;-)

We also discussed my protocol. They don't have it yet, but I discussed with them how I was concerned that I only got 4 mature eggs out of about 16 follies. They said they would, of course, review my last cycle and adjust for this one. I'm curious what they'd come up with - and if it doesn't sound right to me, you can bet I will be questioning!

I also only stimmed for 9 days last time. So I will be closing monitoring how my follies are growing and I will also question how long they have me stimming. If it looks like they may be stopping me to coincide with a weekend, I'll be questioning that as well. Should I really be stopping, or are you just doing it for convenience of your schedule? Now, I'm not saying that's what they did last time, it just seemed kind of coincidental to me - ER on Friday, ET on a Monday - and only getting 4 that were mature enough. I don't know - I just may be letting my anger/sadness affect my thoughts at the moment. Probably am.

I had them confirm, as well, that my husband's frozen sperm are, in fact, still frozen and still in Syracuse which is good. We had him "deposit" multiple frozen samples in case his day of fresh sample sucked (which is a good possibility based on how bad his MFI is). Thanksfully, we didn't have to use them for IVF#1, but it's comforting to know we have them as a back-up, just in case.

I teared up again today - in the exam room while doing my mini WTF appointment. They had a big old box of tissues in there, so apparently I'm not the only one lol I made myself stop, but the sadness still hasn't gone away. I just want these next 3 weeks to go by quickly so we can get the ball rolling on this cycle. But, at least we don't have to do a break cycle - we are very thankful for that.

On a more positive note, DH surprised me again today by calling and sayinghe's taking me to lunch. He wanted to talk about today's appointment. That made me happy - he is really understanding now how everything works, is up on the lingo for the most part, and if there's something he doesn't understand, he makes sure to ask. I love that he is so caring and involved.

I LOVE YOU, BABE!

OK, guess that's it. I'll try and post a more positive post next time. I guess this was more of an update on how my appointment went, but hopefully I'll have something more interesting to talk about next time lol I hope you all are having a great day and a great cycle!

Apparently I'm NOT Over It

I thought I had come to terms with IVF#1 failing and was all done with the crying. But apparently not. A girl at work knows what we are doing (one of the very few who do) and I texted her on Saturday when we found out, so she knew coming in this morning. I thought I was ok with everything now so when she asked me how I was doing, I was surprised that I started tearing up. Same thing happened when I went to tell my boss that I would once again need more time off for appointments. So, apparently I'm not as ok with it as I thought. Oops!

12:31

Yup. That's the time we finally dragged ourselves out of bed today. We just didn't want to get out of bed and face reality. It was much easier to just stay there, chat some, sleep some, pet the cat. But, eventually, we got our butts out of bed and today is much better than yesterday. We are still really sad, angry, and a bit confused, but definitely better than yesterday.

I keep running questions through my head, over and over again. Why didn't it work? There were 3 of them in there - and not even one stuck? Why? Was it something I did during the 2WW? Is there something about my body that we don't know about yet that won't let our little embies stick? Ever? Or maybe something wrong with my eggs? Or maybe something in DH's sperm causes the embies to not be viable? What if it fails again for IVF#2? Or #3? Or ever?

I know there are options out there other than IVF but right now we don't want to venture there. We want this to work. Badly.

And it breaks my heart to see the effect this has on my husband. I had the nurse on speaker phone yesterday when she broke the nerve. And not only did I start crying, but so did he. And I hate how it makes him so sad. I think it's sometimes easy for us to get caught up in how we're feeling we forget that it affects the husbands, too. He even made a comment I have heard so many others make - that he is jealous of others around us who have had babies - and so easily - the good old fashioned way.

He has been so supportive of me and everything we have put my body through to go this far - and about to venture into again. I think I am going to make sure to spend some extra time spoiling DH. Sometimes I think he feels left out of sorts - like he can't contribute as much, if that makes sense? Not in a bad way, just that he can't do more to help me. But I don't see it that way - I think he has been so supportive throughout the whole thing - both physically (ie: administering the shots and catering to me) and mentally. And I love him so much for this. I honestly think this has made our relationship even stronger than it was.

DH - I know you don't read this, but I love you very, very much. You are going to make an amazing father and I can't wait to see you with a baby in your arms and that smile on your face. MUAH!

Emotions and Stress

This may sound crazy, but there are times, especially today, where I feel like my emotions are just trying to explode out of me - it feels like I could both cry and scream at the same time. That either would do. It's like I want a sad song to come on the radio just to give me an "excuse" to cry. I don't let myself just cry or freakout - I like to keep my emotions in check. I feel like I'd need something I could blame as the reason. Does that make sense?

Again - I don't know if it's the meds, the stress of the IF and IVF in general, the whole cat situation, work, money (the fact that we've had to pay out many thousands recently for taxes, car, IVF, cat, etc... We have enough, it's just a little freaky to have to pay so much all at once and to watch your savings grow smaller and smaller - large chunks at a time!) or what it is. Or, quite possibly, a combination of a couple/all of them.

Who knows - I just don't like the feeling. It's not like I am a cold person. I actually consider myself a warm person. But I just like to keep any freakouts to myself. I tend to keep some of the "bad" feelings bottled up and then at times they just need a way to get out. I never scream or yell or anything. And I do make sure I get my happy/positive emotions out. I guess I sometimes just bottle the bad stuff in and eventually it goes away. Either that, or I apparently find some way to release it.

It would be good if I started exercising again. I think that would really help release some of this tension that's building up - in my emotions and in my shoulders/back/neck - ouch! DH and I walk everynight for about 40 minutes or so around the neighborhood, but I honestly need to do more than that. I am so out of shape, and I hate it. Plus, I know the exercising will help me release some frustration/tension that I have bottled up. Does that make sense? I need to get back on my bike, or back out there running/hiking. I need to get motivated again to do it. The kicker, is once I have my ET, all of that stuff, other than the walking, is a no-no. At least at the beginning. So I don't know. Maybe I'll look into yoga. And I'm sure I can do light weights. All in due time, I guess.

So, I guess that's it for now. I'm off to bed and tomorrow is Friday - woohoo! Have a good night!